When your firstborn leaves the nest...

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. I mean, if you’ve survived the infant & toddler years, I don’t have to tell you this. But I can’t say that the teen years are much easier. With each year comes a new dynamic, a new struggle, and a new way of trudging through.

Enter the “moving your firstborn to college” period.

You are never adequately prepared for the range of emotions you’ll feel. One minute, the teen is giving you attitude & you can’t WAIT for them to get to college. The next minute, they do something so sweet that you just can’t imagine how you’ll ever survive without them under your roof.

The summer prior to them heading off is full of big ideas, memory-making thoughts, and maybe even a big trip. You’re wanting to make the most of these remaining precious days, right? Well, sometimes that happens, and sometimes it doesn’t. Our summer was a little weird, and things didn’t go as planned, but we still made the most of it. We were able to take a big trip, and as much as the oldest teen protested because “Mom, we can make memories at home…”, he thoroughly enjoyed himself. In fact, we all enjoyed ourselves! 

Getting these kids in the mindset to pack for college is a whole ‘nuther story. I have a son. I have a son who isn’t too interested in putting away laundry, or knowing where most things are… he just sort of takes each day as it comes & doesn’t stress over things. That’s fine, he’s always been that way. Why I thought he’d snap into “total organization & planning mode” is beyond me. 

Packing for college isn’t like packing for a weekend trip. It’s packing up anything & everything you’ll need on a daily basis for weeks/months at a time. It took my son up until 2 days prior to us leaving to finally realize this! Then I handed him a list of things I thought he should pack. Y’know, the one I’d been stressing over for weeks? In true son fashion, he didn’t stress about it. We had the packing area on the extra bedroom bed so it was easier to see everything & not have the distractions of other things in his room (aka: shiny objects).

First started the laundry. We washed ALLLLL the things. I swear what felt like 37 loads later, everything was clean, folded, & in stacks on his bed.

We stacked shirts, socks, pants, shorts, underwear, shoes. We went and bought more socks & underwear to alleviate having to do laundry every single week. (not that he would’ve anyway, but it put my mind at ease a little!) He did admit it was easier to see things this way. Score one for mom!

All of his shoes fit into a duffle bag. All of his folded clothes fit into his dad’s huge military duffle bag. All of his clothes on hangers were covered with a trash bag, and laid neatly over the huge duffle bag. Now came the other “essentials”… FOOD (because, boys), toiletries, more FOOD, Command adhesive hooks, power strips, extension cords, fans (because his dorm doesn’t have air-conditioning), a rug, a microwave, a 3-drawer plastic storage container, school supplies, laundry hamper… you get the gist. ALL OF THE STUFF.

We made our dining room “College Central”, and once you see all the STUFF (and it takes over the entire room) you think, “how in the world is this all ever going to fit?!”

And the lists. OMG, the lists. To-do lists. To-pack lists. To-buy lists. To-look-for lists. To-not-lose-your-mind lists… oh wait, I think I lost that one. ;) Notebook paper lists. Post-it Note lists. Scribbled on envelopes lists. Lists everywhere. You check things off of those lists & feel like you’ve really accomplished something! Until you realize you purchased the wrong size/shape/color/whatever. Because, MOM! I can’t take THAT… #whatevs

The days start ticking down, and you start realizing all of the “lasts”… last night in his bed for a while, last dinner together as a family, last breakfast, last (fill in the blank). Then the emotions come. Sometimes in waves, sometimes all at once, sometimes all day. I think it depends on the amount of sleep you get the night before… which, you aren’t getting a lot of sleep because of the millions of things that are running through your mom brain as you prepare to launch your baby out of the nest.

In preparation of leaving, my kids got gifts for each other. My youngest picked out a coffee mug and a stuffed animal for my oldest. My oldest picked out an outfit donning his college’s name for my youngest. When they exchanged these gifts, the reactions were unexpected. There were tears. Lots of tears. And I don't know about you, but when I see someone else crying, I start to cry — it was a complete and total cry-a-rama. My youngest, between sobs, said to my oldest, “You know all those times I said ‘I hate you’… you know I didn’t mean it, right?”, to which my oldest responded with, “I know buddy, I know.” — and with that, my heart crumbled. For as much as these two act like they don’t like each other, they truly love and care for each other. 

Move-in day came, and my oldest was up and going, but dragging his feet at the same time. He got up to see his younger brother off to high school, and the goodbye was strained. They each wanted to be strong for each other. The goodbyes to the animals were long & sweet. We took pictures by the fully-packed Suburban. Then we each sat in the car for a minute. The only things going through my mind were 1) don’t cry…don’t cry…don’t cry; 2) How in the world is he old enough to be going to college?; 3) don’t cry… don’t cry… don’t cry. So I said “Let’s DO this!”, and threw the family truckster in reverse. He had the window down & kept looking out. I could see in the reflection of the side mirror, there were tears welling up. This was his goodbye to the neighborhood for a while. So, I just turned up the radio & let him have these last moments.

On the way to his college, we talked… a lot. It’s like the last 18 years I’ve had life lessons to teach him, and all of the sudden, I’m trying to cram in the ones I haven’t taught him yet! I’m certain he wished he would’ve had his earbuds handy because I was blabbering on non-stop. So yeah, I was filling the silence with yammering on & on about campus safety, drinking, “don’t be a bone head”, “make good choices”, “don’t do stupid things like I did”, blah blah blah. He probably wanted to gouge his eardrums out with whatever blunt object was nearest to him, but he was kind and listened, and was respectful to his yammering on & on momma.

We got to campus, and the nerves kicked in… for both of us. This was the city I grew up in and could navigate it like the back of my hand… and I made two wrong turns. What the heck?! We circled his dorm twice trying to find the check-in. Finally, we found the correct place & he jumped out to go get checked in. He looked back at me with a little bit of uncertainty, to which I nodded my head saying “you’re fine”, and off he went. As he checked in, I headed to the loading dock to have the Suburban unloaded.

I’m just going to say, things have certainly changed over the years. When I moved into this college a thousand years ago, there was no one to help you unload your car — that was all on your own. But now, they have entire crews that are happy & smiling & full of energy that meet you at your car and schlep your stuff up to your student’s room lickety-split! I mean, our vehicle was unloaded in less than 10 minutes! After that, I parked it, and met my kiddo outside of his dorm — because it’s an all-boys dorm, he has to escort me in. Of course, he’d been in the dorm all of 10 minutes and had no idea which door to go out to meet me, but we finally found each other.

This year’s incoming freshman class was the largest this university has ever had. Hooray!! Except, he didn’t exactly end up in the dorm that he & his roommate wanted. In fact, the dorm he ended up in wasn’t even on his list. And after seeing his room, I’m guessing at one time, this was a single room that now has two people to share it. Fantastic. 

My son is 6’2”, and has a wingspan of who knows what… but he can put both of his arms out & almost touch both sides of his room. I’m curious what the dimensions of a prison cell are, because I’m pretty sure this room could double as one. If my son & his BFF are still friends at the end of this year, it’ll be a miracle living in close quarters like this! 

You should’ve seen the two of us wrestle the mattress on his loft while trying to put on a mattress encasement. I didn’t need to go to the gym, I think I sweated off at least 10 pounds that day! (hey, a girl can dream, right?) We played “Tetris: College Dorm Room Edition” for nearly three hours trying to get his room arranged to accommodate everything we brought + the desks + futon + dressers + everything else. Did I mention that his room doesn’t have air-conditioning? And there were 7 of us in that teeeeeeny-tiny room. Yeah, that was fun.

It was a long and hot day. After we got his room set up, we had to go and get some gear for one of his classes. While we were out, we grabbed a bite to eat for dinner. My son was somber at dinner, and his appetite was almost non-existent…which is very unusual because, well, boys eat all. the. time. We had some good talks, and decided it was time to get him back to his dorm before a mandatory meeting.

The drive back to his dorm was pretty quiet. We were both trying to avoid what was coming, but also trying to keep the conversation light. I found a parking spot as close to his dorm as I could, and then we just sat there for a minute. I looked at him & just lost it. This was the goodbye I had been dreading all day. All year, actually. I know it’s crazy because I know I’ll see him soon, but it’s still a big goodbye. I told him how incredibly proud his dad & I are of him, how I know he’ll excel, and what a wonderful human being he is. We shared tears and “I love you’s”… and more tears. I love that my kid isn’t afraid to show his emotions. I love that he loves his momma. I told him to “go & be great”. And I know he will.

He got out of the Suburban and walked to his dorm down the street. He’d look back & I’d wave. Most of him disappeared behind a car, but I could still see his head… and it was the same toddler head I had seen many times. Then the rest of him appeared… still resembling that same toddler. And I cried. My BABY was on his own. I know he’s not a baby. I know he’s not a toddler. But for that quick glimpse, that is what I saw. But what I also saw was a fine young man who is off to college to do amazing things.  

Granted, my son is only a little over an hour away from home. I know he’ll be back, but at the same time, each time he’ll come back, it’ll be different. He'll be different. He will grow as an individual. The dynamic will never be the same as it was. And that’s fine — it’s how we evolve. But it’s still change.

From what I’ve learned during this season is that this is a process. It’s almost a grieving process to an extent. Someone who was always here, now isn’t. Someone you’ve known every daily detail about, will now become somewhat of a stranger. It’s an odd feeling. Side note: I’m just going to say… for any parent who has lost a child, I cannot even begin to imagine how you cope on a daily basis. I just can’t. And how you do, well, just know that you all are heroes to me. Plain and simple.

I would also liken this experience to childbirth — and hang with me for a minute here. Y’know how when you’re pregnant, people will tell you stories of how things went for them, or what to expect, and you listen & think “yep, I’ve totally got this!”. Well, dropping your kids off isn’t really much different. Everyone has a different experience. Everyone will tell you what worked for them, and how their kids reacted. But you don’t actually “get it” until you go through it yourself. I have much more feeling & empathy for anyone who has gone through this & I didn’t acknowledge (and I’m so sorry!), or anyone who is currently going through this & is hurting, or anyone that will go through next year at this time & has no idea what’s about to hit them.

Yes, I’m incredibly happy for my child — what parent wouldn’t be? Yes, I know he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing — it’s a right of passage! Yes, I know I’ve raised a great kid. But I’m also a little sad, okay? I’m sad that I won’t see his face each morning at breakfast & each night at dinner. I’m sad that I won’t know what’s happening each day in his life. I’ve known all of these things for the past 18 years, and now, BOOM!, I won’t. So please, let me be sad for a hot minute, okay?

I know that once everyone gets into their respective grooves, this will all be a distant memory, but for right now, our worlds are a little wonky. We’re all learning something new. It’s a transition, if you will.

I’ve learned is that there is a whole giant community of other parents who have done this ahead of me, who have given some excellent advice. My sister, for example, said “Allow yourself to be sad & have your feelings. After about 3 weeks, it’s like a switch will flip, and you’ll realize that everything is and will be just fine.” Another sweet friend said, “I would sit at home and cry because I missed my daughter so much. After a while, I got used to her not being there, and then I started to enjoy my own time. After a while, everything becomes fine again.” Another friend said, “It’s like a trauma… not necessarily a bad trauma, but a trauma nonetheless.” But the majority of people all say “Let yourself have your feelings. You have to process them to move forward.” And you know what? They’re ALL absolutely right! It’s perfectly OKAY to have these feelings. And it’s perfectly okay to NOT have these feelings, too… but that’s just not how I’m wired, so I’m having ALL THE FEELINGS.

I’m still within the first couple of weeks of dropping my kid off. The goodbye was brutal on this momma’s heart. But thanks to modern technology, I can text, FaceTime, and Snapchat my kid… and the beauty of it is, he reciprocates just as often. He has texted and called with news of good things, and is genuinely excited! And that, well, that makes this momma’s heart smile. 

To all of my fellow parents who are also in this season, I hear you... I see you... I AM you. We're all in this crazy boat together! So let's link arms and support each other through this, okay? We've GOT this, and so do our kids!

Over 40 and Challenged

Challenged in so. many. ways.

I was recently uploading some pictures from my camera, and I like to look through them as they are on my computer screen & remember what has happened in my life over the span of time. As much as I hate to admit, I don't sync my phone like I should. In fact, I probably do it like, twice a year. GASP!

I don't like to admit that I'm challenged in the technology area, because I'm not completely helpless... yet. But here's the thing, I don't understand the "Cloud". But really, does anyone understand the Cloud? I mean, everything mysteriously disappears from your phone & ends up there... but I couldn't find it again if my life depended on it. So okay, maybe I am a little challenged in the technology department. I'm sure I could ask my 4 year old great-nephew to explain it to me someday. For the time being, I'll just wing it.

Our little smart phones do so much for us, but I think they do it for us a little too much. I mean, we don't have to carry around a separate camera, calculator, compass, map, iPod, calendar... okay, you get the idea. Everything is compact & cute right there in our hands. When I think about it, do my kids know how to read a map? I doubt it. They have Siri, why do they need to read a map? Siri just tells them where to go! Now I'm wondering, do they even still sell maps?! Remember the gigantic Rand McNally atlas that we all used to have in our cars? Y'know, just in case you decided to hop in your car & take a cross-country trip... when in reality, we probably just stayed in our respective states -- but we were prepared, just in case!

So the point I'm getting to is this... I'm starting to feel challenged in mundane, everyday activities. I can barely walk on a flat surface without tripping. Honest to the man upstairs, I am anything BUT graceful. I sometimes pee a little bit when I laugh now. I jogged like 4 steps & blew out my calf muscle...ended up in a walking boot (one month & still going strong!). My eyes can't focus on things up close anymore. On girls weekends, we hold menus up across the table for each other. I have to take naps. I peruse Pinterest for the latest & greatest anti-wrinkle remedy. FYI, I'm trying Castor Oil right now -- seems to be working -- and if it doesn't I'll take a teaspoon of it & I'll be regular forEVER. I highly doubt Oil of Olay will be making that claim anytime soon, amiright?

So I keep hearing "40 is the new 30". I don't know. I don't recall doing any of the above when I was 30, do you? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm actually loving my 40's. I feel like I have a lot of things figured out. People, purpose, my closet. Y'know, the big things. But these things I have yet to figure out... selfies and selfie sticks. And I don't think I'm alone here. And if you were wondering, yes, these are BIG important things!

Photography is my hobby, but you won't ever find me hauling my big rig of a camera around with me to take pictures of myself. I mean, that thing is heavy for one... but trying to turn it around, getting it focused, and getting myself in the picture? Fuhgetaboutit. Enter the compact & cute smartphone I was talking about earlier. Y'know, the one with the mysterious cloud? Yeah. They've made it super duper easy to take pictures of yourself now. Well, kind of. I mean, if you're 13, you have it down to a science. If you're 40-something, you might think you have it down to a science, but you really don't. Being that I love to take pictures to remember things, I love to take pictures when I'm with my friends. I do this mainly because of my decrepit brain & the fact that I don't remember things like I used to. But who doesn't love pictures of friend get-togethers?! I happen to love looking back at us over the years.

I have a group of girlfriends from high school, and we take a "selfie" each time we're together. It's always fun to see our pictures from over the years. Usually we're in the same order, but it's a common occurrence that one of the end people gets half of their face cut off. Gretchen & I are always in the picture because DUH, we picked the prime middle spots! Tammy is always voted to take the picture because she has the longest arms, and more often than not, either she or Amy get cut out of the picture. But before the cute & compact smartphones, we had to use a regular camera, and we never could see if we all made it into the picture. And then there's the whole "wait, where do we look? Is it that little dot? The middle of the screen?" dilemma. Half of us are looking at the dot, the other half at the middle of the screen. We're hot messes.

This past Christmas, I got a selfie stick in a White Elephant gift exchange. SCORE! My immediate thought was how much cooler our Girls Weekend group pictures would be now! Flash forward to February when we had a much-needed Girls Weekend in downtown Indy. We all drove together so we could get the party started -- and by party, I mean we all considered taking a nap when we arrived, but that's beside the point. Here is our first selfie:

See, half of Gretchen's face is cut off. But at least we're having fun!!

So we tried the selfie stick. We decided to take it from above, y'know, so all of our chins didn't show up in the picture.

This was apparently an action shot!

And so was this one.

Annnnd, this one.

But we mean business. Sort of. See, Tammy needed that nap!

Okay, we started to figure it out.

Again, from up above because, chins.

If you only knew how many takes it TOOK us to get these pictures. Consider yourselves lucky that I didn't subject you to ALL of the pictures, but hey, we had fun!

So do you see what I mean with the selfies? I know some of my friends have it down -- I just don't. But you know what? I bet my picture role is waaaay funnier than theirs is! And you know what? I'd rather have that. Why? Because if you can't laugh at yourself, you're taking life too seriously. And anyone who knows me KNOWS I'm always up for a good laugh! And the other 3 ladies in these pictures? They're always up for a laugh, too. I asked them for their permission to use these, and we all had a good chuckle just remembering this weekend -- and the taking of the pictures is ALWAYS something we laugh about!

My point of this whole entry is this (and by the way, if you're still reading this without poking your own eyes out, thank you for sticking with me) -- embrace your challenges. Own them. Have FUN with them! Life is too short not to laugh. And if you need to laugh, I'll send you one of my selfies. They're guaranteed to make you laugh!

This is real life

You've heard the adage Kids say the darndest things, right?

Here is a recent conversation between the boys and I…

B: Mom, you have peach fuzz on your face.
J: (me, thinking OMG, did I sprout a beard overnight??! WTH, kid?!)
R: BRANDON! You don't say that out loud. You can't just tell a girl that she has peach fuzz on her face, right mom?
J: (still stunned that my kids are discussing the excessive amounts of hair on my face) Yes. Brandon, most girls don't want to hear that they have "peach fuzz". That might be something you'd want to keep to yourself.
B: I'm so glad I have you, mom. You're like my practice girl.
J: (visible question mark on my face) Huh?!
B: Y'know, like when I really want to talk to a girl, I'll know what to say to her because I've practiced saying it to you.

Glad I could be of service, son.

So, to all of my fellow peach-fuzz faced mom friends -- I feel you. I do. And there's nothing quite like an honest assessment of said peach fuzz coming straight from your darling offspring.

Heart Sisters: Be The Friend You Want To Have

I submitted an application and was invited to become part of a book launch team for Heart Sisters: Be The Friend You Want To Have and was asked to give a book review.

A little about the author… Natalie Snapp lives in West Lafayette, Indiana -- which holds a special place in my heart because it's my hometown! She is a lovely, down-to-earth mom, friend, and just an all-around amazing woman.

I'm going to be very honest and transparent here… I had the pleasure of hearing Natalie speak about "Heart Sisters" about a year ago at a ladies luncheon at one of my own Heart Sisters' church. I'm not going to lie, that day was monumental for me. Not only did I meet this amazing woman (and her mother, who is equally as amazing!), but it was the day I woke up and realized changes needed to be made in my life.

If you've read previous posts in my blog, you know that I have severe fibromyalgia. It doesn't define me, but it has forced me to make some lifestyle changes. I've had to pull back from lots of things, and with that came some health changes, some friendship changes, and just life changes in general. It's been a very trying couple of years - both physically and emotionally. And please let me be the first to say -- I'm far from perfect. In fact, I'm very imperfect. I've been a good friend, and I've been a bad friend. I'm really working on the latter because I did a lot of things wrong. Sometimes life situations change people -- and I will be the first to admit, I've changed. To me, I feel it's for the better. To others, they may not feel the same. All I know is that I've done what I needed to do for ME.

The Heart Sisters book touched on so many things that I was struggling (and still do struggle) with. Natalie had been through issues with friends in the past as well, and discovered that a book on how to navigate these waters didn't exist… so she wrote one. And wow, has it ever been helpful!!

Through counseling and this book, it has been reinforced over and over… and Natalie states it perfectly in Chapter 2, "Until we 'get right with God', we'll continue to spin our relational wheels and live with frustration and confusion." She also says, "it wasn't until I made my relationship with Jesus the #1 priority above all else that I began to realize my other relationships were lacking a certain depth I didn't even know was missing." I cannot agree with this more.

My journey of faith has had it's ups and downs over the years, but the past couple, it has really been stepped up. I found a church that I have been searching for, for what feels like all of my life, and for the first time ever, I feel like a soul on fire. And that's an awesome feeling, friends! My priorities are right where they should be. God, family, friends, and whatever else comes next.

After hearing Natalie speak about Heart Sisters, and hearing about the 3 Inner Hearts, which she also talks about in Chapter 3: Inner (1-3 most trusted friends), Middle (4-6 friends that you "do life with"), Outer (Season of Life friends), and Heart Potential (on the outside of "outer" (acquaintances) -- I was able to evaluate some relationships that I could feel weren't quite right.

After some issues arose with some friends that shook me to my core, it was suggested in counseling that I set boundaries…and Natalie talks about the very same thing in Chapter 6. She states, "boundaries are not unkind, boundaries are not un-Christian, boundaries are not ungrateful, boundaries are not unhealthy. When we place boundaries around unhealthy relationships, we're guarding our hearts." Yes Yes Yes! After some evaluating, I realized that I had some unhealthy relationships where boundaries had been crossed, trust had been broken, and there was a lot of hurt. I'm not going to say that I was perfect in any of this, because I'm not -- hurt feelings sometimes cause us to say and do things that we wish we could take back. We're all human, and sometimes our feelings get the best of us.

All of this left me thinking how grateful I was for the core women I have in my life…my Heart Sisters. My inner hearts. The ones who give encouragement, unconditional love, are God-centered, the ones I trust with my life, and the ones who are positive to their cores. They are the ones who can read me like a book and know when something is wrong…sometimes even before I know that something's wrong. They know my actions and my thoughts, and call me out when something's not right…like when I became extremely negative, when I acted like a jerk, and when I was depressed. These women pulled me aside, and I listened. In Chapter 4, Natalie says "Heart Sisters turn on the lights and stab you in the front so darkness is defeated." Just, yes.

There are so many things that spoke to me in this book -- I mean literally, I think I highlighted over half of the book! I could go on for pages and pages telling you about this book, but I'll spare you. I will say this, I wish a book like this had existed when I was younger! Friends are integral in life. Heart Sisters are such a blessing. And after reading this book, I was able to realize that some friends are/were for a season of life, some are Heart Sisters, some are mentors, and some are acquaintances. I was able to learn the difference between a clique and a tight-knit group, as well as the quality of friends over quantity. I was able to set boundaries with friends. I learned about being a peacemaker. I learned about Super Seven Sisters. I just learned… a lot. I'm ashamed to say that it took me until my 40's to learn some of these things!

Every woman needs to read this book not only for herself, but to share with their daughters…or those who are aunts to young girls…or mentors…or friends…or, or, or… you get the point. I cannot recommend this book enough!

With the risk of sounding corny, I believe that Natalie came into my life for a reason. From the moment I heard her speak, she spoke on so many things that were going on in my life. I had major friendship issues. She led online bible studies that spoke to me like a loud-speaker. This book has been part of a healing process for me, and now being able to share the book with you all, it has just all come full circle. Things happen for a reason, friends! I would just like to say thank you, Natalie, for having this vision, and seeing it come to fruition!

If you'd like to read and experience this book, you can find it here. If you are lucky enough to have Heart Sisters of your own, these books make excellent gifts.

I'd like to share (from Natalie) a spectacular giveaway going on right now! Check it out!

One lucky winner will receive a "Girl's Night Out" - includes a $100 Visa card, mani/pedi kit, fun summer polish, a clutch handbag and a camera.

You can enter by going to my Facebook Author Page (www.facebook.com/AuthorNatalieSnapp) and clicking the "Girl's Night Out Giveaway" tab. Follow the directions and voila! You're entered.

If you would like to share, the mobile friendly link is:http://prmo.me/5cM4qm

Boys will be boys...

This isn't going to be the "boys will be stinky boys" post that you might expect. This one has a little twist.

The back story:

So, yesterday wasn't a good day. The day started out with fibro pain & horrible fatigue, but I knew I needed to get several errands done - they needed to be done, and there was no putting them off. So, I contacted a friend to see if she wanted to ride along. I hadn't seen her in forever, and I knew if I had someone else along, my motivation would be much greater to get out of the bed that had accepted me as it's own.

I picked her up, we ran (okay, drove) all over the greater Hamilton County area, got our errands done, giggled, caught up (because it had been forever since we'd seen each other), had lunch, and I dropped her back to her home. I went home and crashed. My pain level was climbing quickly, and the fatigue… it felt like I had 50-lb weights attached to every limb of my body. I needed to rest.

As I was driving my friend home, my husband tried to FaceTime my phone. Now, I'm barely coordinated enough to talk on my phone while driving (ask anyone who has witnessed this!), so FaceTiming was out of the question. At a stop light, I texted him that I would FaceTime him as soon as I got home. Well, that never happened. FaceTime wouldn't connect on either end, so we resorted to a text conversation. Normally, that would be fine… but I really needed to hear his voice, and I just needed to really talk to him, y'know? It had been a day, and he's my one & only that can talk me through some specific things…and I needed him to do that. So we texted, and he still managed to talk me down, and I was grateful.

As the afternoon led to the evening, the fibro was kicking my hiney. I was driving the boys to their bible studies, and I cracked. I broke down. I started crying. I think the boys have only seen me cry maybe three times in their lives. I am not one to break down in front of people - I just don't. I can usually keep it together, but I just couldn't yesterday. Everything hit me at once & this was the result…which completely confused the boys. They didn't know what was going on. I mean, why would they?! When asked what was wrong, I gave them a vague Cliff Notes version. How they reacted was very true to their personalities.

Thing 1 responded in a very calm & cool manner, and the kid gave some sage advice. "Mom, you need to talk to someone you really trust, and they will guide you in the right direction, and can maybe help with a coping strategy." All of this from a 15-year old. (he's going to make a great husband!)

Thing 2 was very quiet & didn't say anything. I knew he was processing things, as he always does.

I dropped them off at their respective places, ran an errand, went home, cried, prayed, and felt better.

I picked up Thing 2 from his bible study first. He came out to the car, checked my expression to make sure I was okay, then smiled. He got in the car, gave me a hug, and said, "Mom, I prayed for you tonight." And my heart swooned…and my eyes started to fill up. This time, it wasn't because everything hit me at once…it was out of pure love. (he's going to make a great husband, too!)

I picked up Thing 1, and as he was walking to the car, he checked my expression as well, gave me a 'thumbs up', and climbed into the car.

So, in the midst of the chaos that we're experiencing right now, we are truly a team. As I was feeling every emotion known to man, I had two boys that were looking out for me. I hated that I broke down in front of them. They are feeling tons of emotions with their dad being gone right now, too. But as a friend said to me, "You're human. You have emotions! Sometimes they need to sneak out." And, she's right.

When you tend to stereotype boys, you think they don't have or show emotions. But that's just not true. These two have such beautiful hearts, and are very caring -- each in their own way. My pride in and for them is bursting right now! In all the ways I've failed, or at least thought I failed, I did two things right…and I could not be more proud of them!

And you know what? Today is a new day, and it's amazing what some sleep can do for your outlook on things.  :)

Wondering on Wednesday

I have a blogging friend who shares pictures every Wednesday with the title "Wondering on Wednesday".  She always finds funny things going on around her house & snaps a picture.  I decided to borrow that title today.

This morning when I was opening up the curtains in Thing 2's room, I happened to look out the window to find this...

First, please excuse the quality of this picture -- it was taken with my cell phone, and it's not super clear.  But second, do you see the handprint??  

All day long, I've been scratching my head, trying to figure out 1) how the hand print GOT there, and 2) WHYYYY is there a handprint outside of his window??!!  Was he trying to escape?!  

So, I asked Thing 2 when he got home what this was all about.  His answer?  "Mom, whenever it snows, I always grab the snow to see if it's 'snowball quality'…"  Ahhh, yes.  Snowball quality snow.

And, there you have it.  And in case you were wondering, the latest snow we had was NOT snowball quality.    

Big Pharma

In light of my last post, I thought I'd continue with the Fibromyalgia journey.  And a journey is just what it has been.

After doing a ton of research, I went to my doctor.  You see, the side-effects of my medication were (to me) outweighing any good it was supposed to be doing.  Whenever I'd call the doctor's office with a new "ailment", it was considered a side-effect of the medication.  And many times there was an offer of another prescription to alleviate said side-effect.  Had I gotten every prescription filled, I would've had the meds list of a 90-year old!  It was reaching the point of ridiculous for me.  I was too young to feel as old as I did, and as rotten as I did.  The bad days far outweighed the good, and my energy level was at an all-time low.  Horrible depression kicked in, which was ironic, because the medication I was on was in fact, an anti-depressant that was highly used for Fibromyalgia pain.  But with the depression, things started to spiral -- and not in a good way.

In the process of side-effect after side-effect, relationships started falling apart.  You see, when you're a hermit, people tend to think you're avoiding them… which couldn't have been farther from the truth.  When I don't feel well, I curl up in a ball and pretty much hide from the world.  Not because I want to, but because when I hurt, I hurt everywhere.  I can't be touched, and every single thing jumps up & down on my last nerve.  I will have the TV on, but the volume completely down…simply because I can't stand the noise.  So when I had a friend offer to come & sit with me, it was a beautiful gesture, but one that would've made me completely crazy.  How do you politely say "I'm sorry, but you being here will make me miserable, but…thanks anyway"??  So you see, this is how relationships can fall apart, friends & family included.  Which makes depression spiral even more.  You see people living their lives, and you're not able to live yours the way you want to -- so you just crawl back into your shell.  It's a vicious cycle.  I had to, however, be selfish and take care of myself.  I had to take back charge of my life!

Back to my doctor… after wanting to prescribe more & more prescriptions to alleviate side-effects, I asked him if I could just get OFF of the medications & see how things went.  Because in all honesty, I didn't feel anywhere near as bad before I started taking the Fibro meds.  He was very much against it.  BUT, he wasn't the one that was living inside my body, I was.  And I couldn't take living like that anymore!  I thanked him for his opinion, but asked him how I could get off of the meds.  Begrudgingly, he counseled me on how to titrate off of the medication, but with a side order of "when you come back in here begging to be put back on the meds, I'm not going to say 'I told you so' (but he would've)".  This was not one that you could just stop taking cold-turkey.  And boy, he was right.

If you want some light reading (insert sarcasm) sometime, Google "Cymbalta Withdrawal".  It's the stuff that nightmares are made of.  I'm not even kidding.

So on July 1st, I started my titration down off of the medication.  The first week wasn't so bad.  The second week was worse.  The third week was hell.  The fourth week was PURE hell.  The fifth week was a little better than hell.  The sixth week was okay.  The seventh week was doable.  The eighth week was good.  I had been on the medication for just a little over a year, and it took me eight weeks.  E-I-G-H-T WEEKS to feel somewhat like myself again.  For some people who had been on the meds for years & years, it takes them months & months & months to get back to normal.  I would have to say the "brain zaps" were the very worst.  The only way I can describe a "brain zap" is that it's like having a jolt of electricity shot up into your brain -- only you never know when it's coming.  Sometimes it would be in rapid succession, and others, just one at a time.  And it would sound like a cymbal crashing in your ear at the same time.  Add on the extreme nausea, and wow, I was a walking party.  A walking, exhausted party.  The nausea would hit between 2-3 pm, and would last until the next morning.  During this uber-fun time was our vacation, as well as my birthday.  Try scuba diving with "brain zaps"… not fun.  For my birthday, my husband surprised me by renting a convertible for me.  And I was so excited for it!  However, he had to drive it home from dinner because I was so sick.  Nothing like hanging your head in front of the a/c vent because you're afraid you're going to hurl all over the interior of this beautiful car!!  And when plans change and you can meet a best friend for a birthday cupcake (because you have extremely low blood sugar), and when plans change from a lake house location to a hotel, and your 3 best friends take care of you -- and enjoy your convertible (because your husband rented it for you for the entire weekend - because he's just THAT awesome!) in the spurts where you feel somewhat human…and the best friend who texted you daily, and the cousin that texted you daily… those times are golden.

Only a handful of people knew about me going off of the medication.  Why?  Because if I didn't succeed in coming off, I didn't want to look like a failure.  And these were people that I trusted with every bone in my body.  I now know what a drug addict must feel like.  As awful as I felt while ON that medication, the withdrawal symptoms were so vile, that it crossed my mind multiple times to just get back on it so I wouldn't have to feel the way I did.  And what a vicious, horrible cycle that would've been.

I know many people who have had great success with taking Cymbalta for Fibromyalgia, or for depression, and I'm happy & grateful for them.  I, however, am not a success story, and that drug to me, is the devil.  There is a time & place for "Big Pharma", and I'm coming to realize, it's just not always for me.  Please, don't get me wrong… if I'm really sick, I'll take the medicine!  But when it causes more problems than it's helping, well, it's not for me.

Want to know what side-effects I had while on the medication?  Better sit down…
          Weight gain, brain fog, memory loss, hair loss, headaches, nausea, dry mouth, dizziness, rash, swelling, pain, panic attacks, extreme thirst, low blood sugar, tremors, neuralgia, sweating, fever, insomnia, excessive fatigue, …and these are just the ones that come to mind at the moment.  Or, what's left of my mind!  It's very scary to me that this medication completely wiped out parts of my memory.  I don't recall a lot from the year I was on this medication.  And the year prior to that, while I was on two other medications, was nearly the same.

So, after I had completely detoxed off of the medication, I began to realize how "not myself" I had been for nearly two years.  I had energy again!  My pain was still there, but not as intense, and not so constant.  It was manageable.  I wanted to be social again.  I wanted to go out & DO things with my kids -- things I had been unable to do.  I felt like "me" again!

I started eating well.  I started exercising again (when I could).  I began meditating.  I utilized massage therapy & acupuncture.  I began using essential oils daily - for everything.  I reevaluated relationships.  And I gained my life back.

I owe my strength to God, because He was the one who got me through everything… I literally owe everything to Him… His faith never left me.  My gratitude for my husband & kids is unmeasurable.  My parents were paramount in my recovery.  The friends & family that stuck with me and didn't turn on a dime were & are invaluable.

All this to say that what this entire process boils down to is trust, and mine was shaken to its very core.  Trust your gut.  Trust your intuitions. Trust your journey.  If things don't feel right, they probably aren't.

I have to trust that my doctor had my best interest in mind, however writing extra scripts wasn't the solution for me.  I had to trust that I knew my body better than he did, since I was the one living in it, and saw it crumbling.  I had to trust those closest to me to help pull me through the best & worst.  I had to trust that taking care of myself from the inside out is what was best… and so far, that has been proven to me.

This past year has been a journey of trust.  One I choose to never repeat, and one I'm still reeling from, but I will get there.  My journey for 2015 is PEACE.  I've got to make peace with the past year in order to trust again.  Does that make sense?  While it sounds weird to say that I'm grateful for bad things that happened this year, I am.  Why?  Because it opened my eyes to so many new things.  Holistic healthcare.  My faith.  My relationships.  My well-being.  My journey.  Myself.

Trust = Peace.  Peace = Happiness.  Happiness = Journey.

I know not everyone will understand this journey, and that's okay.  It's my journey!  I hope you all can find your own, too!

J

Wow, it's really been a while!

So ya, it's evident that I've been pretty lax with blogging. Seems like I go in spurts, but I'm chalking that up to being a busy mom of 2 kids with busy schedules and the fact that I'm their shuttle service!

The biggest thing that's happened over the past year is that I was officially diagnosed with (severe) fibromyalgia.

 What is fibromyalgia? 

  Fibromyalgia (pronounced fy-bro-my-AL-ja) is a common and complex chronic pain disorder that affects people physically, mentally and socially. Fibromyalgia is a syndrome rather than a disease. Unlike a disease, which is a medical condition with a specific cause or causes and recognizable signs and symptoms, a syndrome is a collection of signs, symptoms, and medical problems that tend to occur together but are not related to a specific, identifiable cause. Fibromyalgia, which has also been referred to as fibromyalgia syndrome, fibromyositis and fibrositis, is characterized by chronic widespread pain, multiple tender points, abnormal pain processing, sleep disturbances, fatigue and often psychological distress. For those with severe symptoms, fibromyalgia can be extremely debilitating and interfere with basic daily activities.

I encourage you to click on this link to learn more about fibromyalgia.  It's really important to educate yourself on issues such as these, especially if you know someone, or have a family member who suffers from this.  

Fibromyalgia is a cruel & frustrating syndrome.  I feel like I've aged about 20 years just in the last year.  After trial & error periods with medications…trying to find something that works, losing half the hair on my head (it was literally coming out by the handful), not being able to give/receive hugs or wear some clothing because my skin hurts so badly that I want to scream, not remembering things because my memory has all but left me, not being able to attend my kids' activities, not being able to exercise often due to pain, not being able to get out of bed somedays simply because my pain level is too high… it goes on & on.  I'm a virtual shell of the person I once was.  I'm usually a very outgoing person, and over the past year, I've turned into a really awesome hermit.  I really have to give serious props to Mike & the boys.  They have really stepped up to help when it was/is needed.  They are my ROCKS!!  I literally don't know how I'd get through all of this without them.

I'm not writing this to elicit sympathy, in fact, I'm doing the opposite.  I'm writing this to help educate people!  Fibromyalgia seems to be one of those syndromes/diseases that falls under the "it's all in your head" category.  I'm here to tell you, it's NOT in my head!  I had a family member tell me that doctors diagnose people with fibromyalgia when they can't figure out what's wrong with them…and my mouth dropped open.  That family member witnessed me in the midst of an awful, debilitating flare, and quickly apologized.  That's just the thing, many people don't understand it, so they're quick to sweep it under the carpet -- as are many doctors.  

I wake up each morning never knowing how I'm going to feel.  That makes it very hard to plan things!  I hate having to cancel plans.  It has also made taking pictures very difficult.  I've really pulled back with the photo biz for a while.  After trying to get through a shoot with hand/arm tremors and half of the pictures being too blurry to use, I realized that I needed to stop.  It's not fair to my clients to not have quality work, or to have me reschedule on them due to a flare-up.  That has been a very difficult decision for me, but one that I know is right.  Photography is a passion for me, but I feel like maybe life is taking me in a new direction now. 

Because I have many days where it hurts to do just about everything, I have taken to researching fibromyalgia.  I have been looking into a more holistic approach for pain relief.  I have such a severe reaction to pain meds, that there is very little left that I'm able to take (and let me just say, Advil doesn't even touch the pain).  I've tried acupuncture, and had some success with it, and need to start doing it again.  I've also been experimenting with essential oils to treat my symptoms.  Why?  Because I really don't enjoy keeping CVS's pharmacy in business!  I don't like taking pills if I don't need them.  

I've been able to treat individual symptoms with different essential oils with some success.  I've been using doTERRA essential oils since before Christmas, and I love them!  To feed my oils habit, I became a consultant.  Check out my website!  Jenni's doTERRA Website  These oils not only help me, but they've helped Mike & the boys, too!  I'm really trying hard to watch what I put in & on my body.  I'm "going green", if you will.  :)

I've had many people approach me with "miracle" ways to relieve my pain.  While I really appreciate people wanting to help, what works for one person most likely won't work for another with fibro.  There is no magic pill.  There's no magic diet.  There's no magic exercise.  It takes a lot of trial & error.  Little by little, I'm finding my way…but as I'm learning, it's going to be quite a journey!  

I feel like I'm rambling.  Sorry!  This is a subject I've wanted to blog about for a while, but just haven't. I hope it gives a little insight to what I deal with on a daily basis.

Love & hugs,

Jenni

Do you ever feel...

overwhelmed?  Crazy (okay, crazier)?  Under appreciated?  So exhausted that you can't even sleep?

Ya, me either.  I'm trying not to whine.  

Okay, I'm going to whine.

I'm not having a banner day.  But don't we all have those days?  I'm having one today.  Well really, I'm having one of those weeks, and I'm not sure why.

Well, maybe I know why...

I wish I was still in Arizona.  In the sun.  With my cousins.  With a mimosa in-hand.

Can I still be battling jet lag?  For some reason, my not-so-spring-chicken-like body just isn't recovering like it once did.  Of course, being able to actually sleep would really help things... but, that would make things too easy.

I'm missing my husband something fierce.

I'm trying to adjust to the boys' soccer schedule.  Would it be too much to ask for all siblings' practices to line up on the same day/time?  Who's with me??!  ;)  I know that's an impossible feat, but wouldn't it be great?

I've been cleaning my house, and while you can tell, you can't tell as much as I'D like.  For unknown reasons, I decided to get into some small detail stuff -- y'know, the things that no one else will see except for me?  Ya.  It's easier to focus on little things like that instead of 5000 sq. ft. of a looming-laundry-filled-needing-to-be-vacuumed-dust-bunny-ridden-messy-kitchen house.  I'd love to think that by now, you could eat off of the floors.  Although, I wouldn't recommend it.  I'm not mopping until Saturday night.  Eat at your own risk.   

June Cleaver, I'm not.

In my mind, I picture Peg Bundy... minus the big red hair.

Thing 1 is being Confirmed on Sunday.  This is a big milestone, and one that I couldn't be more proud of him for accomplishing.  But, Mike won't be here to see it.  That makes me sad.  Thank God for technology... our church is providing a live-stream, so he can log on half-way across the world to see his first son Confirmed.  That makes me happy!  I just wish he'd be sitting beside me though.  He would squeeze my shoulder when my eyes would tear up, and then I'd pretend to have just yawned.  What?  I'm not crying. (sniff sniff)  He knows me too well.

We have family & friends coming in for Thing 1's Confirmation.  Nothing makes me happier than sharing this day with family & friends.  So, I'm having an Open House after church to keep the celebrating going.  Hence, the extra cleaning.

I have decided, as my friend Val put it, to outsource my cooking duties.  With everything else going on, I have realized that I don't have the time to cook what I want to cook for Sunday.  Thank you, Kroger, for your deli trays, veggie trays and fruit trays.  You just made my life 12x easier.  Yes, it's more expensive than doing it myself, but you know what?  My time is worth $$, too!  My friend Rachel is making Thing 1's cake because she's awesome like that.  Her cakes are amazing.  Is it wrong that I'm more excited for the cake than the actual food?

Okay, I got all of that out.  I feel better now.

I've decided that as soon as everyone leaves on Sunday, I will change from my nice dress, straight into pajamas.  I will then hold down the couch until it's time to go to bed & start all over for another week.  ;)

Spring Break!

The boys & I just returned from our Spring Break vacation.  And wow, what a vacation it was!!

This vacation was much needed for many reasons.  It was our "half-way" point during Mike's deployment, it was a time to be spent with family, it was a time to relax, and it was a time to change the scenery from our everyday lives.  And, I think we accomplished all of those scenarios!!  

The boys & I flew to Arizona to stay with my parents at their winter home.  As the always-appreciated extra bonus, we also get to see my grandparents, aunt/uncle, as well as another uncle.  Little by little, my dad's family is moving out west -- and into the same retirement park!  

We had planned on going out all along, but this year, other family members joined in, and it turned into quite the family reunion!  I think the last head-count ended up being 30 people all together.  And while that number sounds high, that still wasn't even everyone!  However, getting that many people to one destination is quite a feat -- and a special one at that.  Both of my parents come from large families -- my dad being one of 5 children, my mom being one of 6 children -- and those children had children, and those children had children... I love big families!!  Yes, it can be chaotic sometimes, but it's a good chaos.  

I digress.  Here are some things I took in during our week away:

1.  All diets go out the window when your grandmother loves to bake, bake, bake; and your parents/aunts/uncles love to cook, cook, cook.  I mean, who am I not to partake?  

2.  It's always 5:00 somewhere.  Even at 8 in the morning.  

3.  Some days are meant to be spent either in your pajamas or in your bathing suit.  Or both.

4.  The game "Draw Something" is addictive.  And I may be responsible for a few family members going to Draw Something Anonymous meetings...

5.  Laying out in the sun with cousins & cocktails is mandatory.  Oh, and so are Real Simple & US Magazines. 

6.  Cousins are your first friends who love you and completely understand your crazy family members!  

And our kids getting to know each other & hanging out like we did when we were younger is priceless!!

7.  The "Game of Things" played Beyers-style is the BEST. GAME. EVER.  Pair that with margaritas, and well, the game took on a whole new meaning.  I think my face & stomach still hurt from laughing so hard!!!

8.  Having grandparents who are 90 & 94 years old is amazing.  I only hope that I'm half as active as they are when I reach either of those ages!

9.  The Grand Canyon really puts things into perspective for you.  Just when you think you're big in this world, stand next to the Canyon.  You become very aware of just how small you are.  You also become very aware of how few fences/guard rails there are, and become an instant nervous wreck & hold onto your children for dear life!!  Another observation... I was amazed at how eerily quiet it is at the canyon.  Aside from a random person talking next to you, all you hear is the wind blowing through the trees.  The view, the quiet... if I could sum it up into one word, it would be "amazing".  

10.  Visiting one of the "Seven Wonders of the World" with your children & your parents is a kind of special that you just can't put into words.  It's a moment in time that I'll never forget.

11.  Visiting Sedona and climbing a small mountain with your children is one of the best feelings in the world. 

12.  Meeting an old friend for lunch makes you realize that some friends really are for life.

13.  No matter how old you get to be, staying with your parents makes you feel like you're a kid again.

14.  I get sappy & nostalgic when I'm low on sleep, jet-lagged and still in a partial food-coma.

Here's hoping we have more trips like this one!!!

Jenni's "Wicked Good" Clam Chowdah... and yes folks, it has BACON!

In college, I babysat for a family for several years.  The woman had so many wonderful cookbooks, and when the kids would nap, I would look through them & drool.  So instead of drooling each week, I started taking index cards with me & got some of these great recipes down on paper!

Over the years, I've tweaked this "chowdah" recipe until it suited our family.

After posting that I was making this for dinner the other night, I had several people ask for the recipe.  So, I decided to make this my first "food blog"... complete with pictures.  And after taking pictures, I realized that my kitchen has really crappy lighting!!  ;)

Recipe:
4 cans of minced clams (you can also use chopped clams if you want bigger pieces of clam)
6 strips of bacon, chopped (I use kitchen shears to cut it up)
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 cups clam liquor (liquid drained from clams) + 1-2 cups water
2 cups diced potatoes
1 tsp salt
dash of pepper
2 cups milk
2 cups half & half
*Instant potatoes

Here's what to do:

1.  Drain clams & save liquor (again, the liquid in the can -- the word "liquor" kinda throws me).

This is from 4 cans, drained.  It didn't quite equal 2 cups... so add water to it to make 2 cups + an additional cup of water.

2.  In a stockpot, fry bacon until lightly brown.

3.  Add onion & saute until tender.

As if bacon alone doesn't smell the best... but bacon AND onions frying?  Heaven!

4.  You can drain some of the bacon grease, but I would leave some... just for extra flavor.  No, this isn't the most heart-healthy recipe, but man... does it taste good!!!

5.  Add clam "liquor" & water, potatoes, seasonings & clams.

This is actually more than 2 cups of potatoes - but who wants to waste diced potatoes??
Not this girl!

If you ever learn anything about me, it's that I really don't like to measure things.
This is my version of a teaspoon of salt!
(This probably explains why my baking isn't quite as successful...ha!)

6.  Cook for about 15 minutes at a low boil, or until potatoes are tender.

7.  Add milk and half & half.

8.  Simmer for 5-10 minutes.

*You may want to add some instant potatoes to thicken the soup, if you prefer more of a "chunky" style.  


*You can also fry up some extra bacon & crumble on top of your bowl of soup, because really, is there ever a case where there's too much bacon??!


*Obviously, season your "chowdah" to your liking.  Also, you can always add more water or milk to stretch it out to serve more.

Serve with crusty bread & enjoy!